The Plan

I watched Definitely, Maybe the other day. It was such a good movie... I really liked it. I recommend you guys stop by your nearest Safeway and find those $1 red rental stations and rent this movie! haha. Those little stations are great because Blockbuster charges $5 for the same movies! But anyway, the movie was really cute.... it's about this guy who tells the stories of his 3 ex-gf's to his daughter because she's curious about how he met her mom (who he's in the middle of a divorce with). One part of the movie that kind of made me think was when the guy's first girlfriend was explaining why she broke up with him. She told him she was afraid of "The Plan" ... which was a plan he made where they would get married, do this, do that, yadda yadda. She told him she was afraid of that plan and everything he aspired to do. And when I heard that I couldn't help but think about.... myself (being the egotistical person I am :P ). But since transfer update forms have been due, I've been worrying lately a lot about "The Plan" God has for me. While I watched that part, I thought... ok, if the girl really loved the guy, she'd trust him and wouldn't be afraid of "The Plan". And then I though... ok, why aren't I doing something similar? ...just not toward my bf. haha.

In my special world where I have 100% faith, I would simply pray that God would lead me and ... "go with the flow". But in my real world where I am altered by my own (selfish) desires and worries and anxiousness, and LACK of faith, I can't help but to ... WORRY. I really really want to go to Berkeley. But at the same time I don't really like the city itself. I means, I don't want to go to UCB because of the name or the rank. I want to go because I don't want to leave my home. I want to be able to go home any weekend I choose to see my mom and dad, and I want to keep going to my home church and keep serving there. I want to stay with my family. Yeah, I know if I go south I'll meet new people and blah blah... but I feel like I just started here, and I want to do more, HERE. If UCSD were in Berkeley, I'd be very, very happy. Or if UCB had a transfer agreement, I'd be very, very happy :(

I guess I'm torn between laying down my own plans and faithfully following "THE PLAN". haha. and.... hoping God will see the desires of my heart and alter "THE PLAN". I know in the end somehow all of that will come together like He's made it come together in the past... but here I am worrying and praying like a fool with no faith. I can't help it.

I want a slurpee.....

Today

Today is the day. It's one of those days... one of those days where you do stuff. You get all the little things done: go to the post office, buy stamps, pay your overdue parking ticket (in this case CONTEST!!!! those mother f-ers), return stuff at Target and Bestbuy... those are just a few on my list. It's just too bad because I rarely have these days where there's this urge to get everything done. And now that it's here... today... I have to stay home from 1-4 to wait for the Salvation Army to come! Great~~~ Donating our old TV to the Salvation Army was another thing on the list.. didn't know it was going to take up my whole afternoon.

Well... I guess today is the day... to play with my webcam and take stupid pictures of myself. To fill in the time by "studying" (AKA opening my o.chem book and playing blockles online). It's just too bad... today was one of those rare, rare, very rare days. Hopefully I'll still want to get everything done after the Salvation Army guys come.

Missing Out

I'm missing out on something... I can feel it deep within. I feel this chill every once in a while; it resonate through my bones. It's not a good feeling. It's a feeling of desperation. It alters my thought process; it takes rationality out of question. It allows slipping, it allows falseness, it allows pain, and in the end breakup.

It's caused by the things I lack. It's caused by my lack of confidence, and the things that cause my lack of confidence. It's caused by the way I choose to live. It's caused by my ugliness--physical and emotional... mental... every level of ugliness that could possibly exist.

It's sad. It makes me sad. It makes me want......