Happy Birthday Jesus

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
that He would give His only son
and make a wretch His treasure . . .


How deep the Father's love for us? The first verse of this song says it all: that He would give His only son. I think that's as far as I can go. Truthfully, I don't understand the depth of this. I mean, I know what happened and why it happened... but I don't understand. My own abilities of giving, sacrificing, LOVING... they don't go this far. When it comes to Jesus... I'm pretty much numb. His birth, life, crucifixion, death, resurrection--the whole shebang. I know it, but I don't understand it. I don't feel it.

God... the sacrifice of Your Son shows straight-out the depth of Your love for me. I want to understand it... I want to feel it. I want to feel the depth of Your love and know Your heart that much more. Help me to understand through YOUR knowledge and YOUR understanding. Not my own. I'm limited and narrow minded. Allow me to know that I can come closer to You, and so I can REALLY celebrate this day, and all the other days relating to Your Son. I don't want to do this fake "Merry Christmas" crap anymore. Help me God. Bring me closer.

GOD

You amaze me more and more each day. I love You. Thank You.

Jesus loves me this I know, for His blessings show me so

My Father shows me He loves me. How? Through His grace and through His blessings. I'm talking fruit here... good fruit. Physical gooooood fruit, and of course spiritual fruit. And when these fruit come, I know it's from Him because He's brought me to a point of intimacy with Him that I can recognize when and where He's working. That's His grace. He's blessed me with understanding. None of this comes from my own work--just my own choice. More and more I see how simple and awesome our God is.... all we have to do is choose Him and He does the rest. Choose Him, stick with Him. I can now say with confidence that you won't be disappointed. I could've said that before... but now I can say it with proof in my life to back it up--with experience. And that's what it's all about... experiencing God more and more so that we can know Him more and more. When you know Him, that means you have a relationship with Him. and that's just the beginning!!!!~ SEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!

Winter Retreat

There are two winter retreats coming up. One from December 27-30 and one from January 8-10. I am inviting everyone who has access to my blogger. Don't think I don't know who reads this (ok, i don't really know). But for those I know... YOU are invited. For those I don't know... YOU are invited.

Both these retreats are with different churches, but don't worry about that. We're all one body of Christ. We're all here to support you in getting you where you want to be--closer to your creator, your father, your savior, your real best friend who won't let you down. Closer to that beautiful, pure, honest, and strong love that is UNFAILING. That's our God. That's your God. SEEK!!!! :D

Amazing

THANK YOU GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.... cause you're always working. and you never cease to amaze.... foreal.

Pierced

Make me, take me, break me, I'm pierced.
-Audio Adrenaline

Some old school stuff. I love how God always puts the perfect song into my heart to match my state of being. In this case... Pierced by Audio Adrenaline. I remember listening to audio Adrenaline while driving down to Mexico for mission trip... I think my first one? Mike obba would always be listening to Audio Adrenaline.... I thought Mike obba was so coool :P

I'm actually surprised this song came to mind through all the crap that's in my brain. Good song though, even if it's from the early 90's~ The simple songs speak the most, right?

These past few days have been hard. Hard on my heart and really hard on my head. I can feel God answering my cries for intimacy with Him. And I'm surprised because this is definitely NOT how I expected Him to respond. ...all I can say for now is that my heart is heavy. really heavy. But on the inside I can feel my spirit rejoicing. ... it's a funny feeling. Cause while my head and heart are aching and begging for rest, I can feel a deep peace and joy in my spirit for what's happening, for MORE of what's happening, and what's to come. Good fruit. That's what's to come. Truthfully though, all I want to do is sit here and stare at a wall while God molds me like clay. But I know that won't happen.... I gotta keep moving. Although my flesh is strong, God's spirit and power are stronger. God is stronger. I trust in You, Lord. And I thank You, God, for what You're doing, for hearing my prayer, for responding, and for what's to come. Transformation. Renewal. Healing. Revival. New being. New passion. New relationships. New mission. New life.

Though I am wounded and unworthy
Though I am selfish and untrue
You are holy, You're the healer
You forgave me, made me new... made me new

BREAK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screw My Brain

My brain is always leading me in the wrong direction... always trying to conquer or manipulate God. Even though I know I'll never understand His ways or His thinking, I always find myself trying to map out His "methods" and use them to my advantage. I try to play God. Or even worse, be my own god. And yet, even though God knows all this, He still responds to my prayers and my rediculousness and shows me that no matter what MY motives are... His motives are always to simply love and look after me. and once again my eyes are opened to see what a chump I really am.....

Closer

Do you not begin to realize that time is needed--much time in fellowship with the Father and the Son, if you would experience the power of God within you?" -Andrew Murray

Coincidence

There are no coincidences when you live a life in Christ. Everything DOES happen for a reason, and God DOES talk back--whether it be through the written Word, the Holy Spirit, people, or the environment around us. We pray, we ask questions, we ask for guidance, for a response, for signs... and God gives them to us. What we need to do is listen.

There is no secret code. There is no genius method or philosophy that needs to be understood. God speaks to us in ways only WE can understand. He knows what we pay attention to, what we appreciate, what catches our eyes... and He uses those familiar ways to speak.

Many Christians live "holy" lives following strictly to the teachings of the Gospel. But how many of those Christians actually have an intimate relationship with God our Father (the whole point of Christianity and following those teachings)? This doesn't just mean praying and reading the Bible. Yes you have a relationship from communication... us praying, God speaking through the Bible. But it doesn't end there. God speaks to us through so many other ways... in ways only WE can know and appreciate. This is intimacy! This is the creator of all seeing us, seeing YOU, and specifically puzzling in ways to catch your attention so that He can talk to you, guide you, teach you..... love you.

Don't let the world blind you from God. "It's just a coincidence...." Think deeper. What have you been praying to God about lately? Connect the dots. Yes God speaks straightforwardly, but we also have to have that ounce of effort, that "seek and you will find", to show God we're ready to listen. Seek and you will find....


Just some random thoughts.

<3

it feels great :)

Forever 21 (pt. 2)

I forgot to write about my birthday. I am now 21 :)
God as I grow in the flesh, I only hope that You'll allow me to grow double time in the Spirit.

"Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of Your presence." -Psalms 21:6

This birthday has definitely been filled with God's blessings.


Thank You, God. I love you, God.... for I know You're working. You hear my every prayer.

Unfailing Love

"What a man desires is unfailing love;
better to be poor than a liar." -Proverbs 19:22

Humans are spiritual beings. We were made in the image and essence of our Father above, and from the dirt of the ground. We're hybrids. But one thing we need to understand is that our identity is not in our fleshly bodies (that were made out of dirt). Our identity is what was made in the image of God. That is, our spiritual beings. Our minds, our hearts, our spirits.... this is who we are. We are children of God.

And yet we get distracted... disorientated, and we live to satisfy our flesh. Or we try to satisfy our souls, just in the wrong ways which lead to... sadness. We live for this world: for money, for rank, for status. Or we realize our deeper desires and try to satisfy those with what we think is love, only to get hurt by broken relationships and to be left in a lonlier state than where we began.

"What a man desires is unfailing love...." Only God knows what we need. Only the creator, OUR creator, knows what we really, really need. And only He can provide us with what we really, really want. That is..... love. An unfailing love. An unfailing relationship--which can only be found in Him. Because HE IS LOVE. HE is this unfailing love. He never fails. He was, He is, and He will always be. He never changes. You can look for this in other people, but they will always fail you. In the end they will always fail. And at the same time you will always fail them. Unless you know and experience what unfailing love is.... who God really is.... then can you share this with others and really LIVE in the fullness of what is really love.

"Better to be poor than a liar." Better to be poor in this world: poor in money, poor in status, poor in rank, yet be rich in love... than be .... a liar. Don't fool yourself. Don't let the things of this world distract you from what you really need.


You don't need to go to church to know God. You can talk to Him now. You can pray right now and tell Him that you want to experience this love--the fullness of unfailing love~ Then leave the rest up to Him. Religion is a problem because it's so distracting. There are so many elements, rules, standards. There's so much history. But all of that comes secondary. You don't need to worry about that. All you need is an honest desire to know Him, a prayer to TELL Him that desire... and He'll do the rest.


Let's be living people~

Promises

"I have come so that you may have abundant life" -- John 10:10

Thank you, God.

Forever 21

Tonight, Chris (BK's cuzzo) reminded me about blogger... so here I am again. I have a lot to say. So that's why I'm not going to say anything cause it's freakin' 2:40 am and I have to go to church tomorrow morning.

To be continued... ^^

You Won't Relent

God is above us. He's the creator of us, of everything around us. We cannot even come close to slightly comprehending Him, who He is, or what He has done and will do. The greatest minds are still sweating over the complexity of His most simplest creations. We don't even understand ourselves, human beings, yet most of us know and can feel that there's something missing. That there's something more. We just can't put our fingers on it. Our souls... they cry out. But for what?

For their purpose.

To know God is to know yourself. To know God's purpose is to know your purpose, for God created you. Don't waste your time trying to figure out if He really exists because you'll only.... waste your time. This search is a real process. But if you start now, He will reveal Himself to you. Personally, intimately. He will reveal Himself to you in ways which only you can understand, and only you can truly appreciate. He will show you, Himself, that he is real and that He exists. This is where religion turns to relationship. He wants your heart.... for God is Love.

An Invite

My church's EM is having a retreat this July 3,4,5 in Lake Tahoe. This year I want to extend my invite to... everyone :)

It's a good chance to get away for a few days and just enjoy the beauty and peacefulness of Lake Tahoe. Give me a call or send me a message if you have any questions or want to come!

6:00

Gotta go to work soon. Everything is sooo much eaiser. I guess they just make you do everything by the book the first day to get you ready, then ease up on you as time goes by. I don't sweat while working anymore~ haha.

This Sunday's my dad and brother's birthday... I'm getting my dad a puppy! He needs love in his life, and I feel this is the only way. Animals change people by bringing out their googly-oogly side.. and they make people happy. My dad needs some happiness. He's been down lately cause of his health (nothing serious). I hope he likes the puppyyyyyyy!!! I'M GONNA PUT IT IN A BOX AND GIVE IT TO HIM! haha :)

It's warmer today. Nice day~

Cuties

Why are cuties so freakin good? I can eat a whole box and still want more! :)

Costco

WOW COSTCO!!! Okay, I've been searching for a job for almost three months now, and this last month (after applying twice) Costco finally calls me back. I go through 3 interviews, drug & background check, orientation, etc., and finally had my first shift today after 1 month of getting settled. My position: cashier's assistant. What I do: everything at the cashier line except scan items!!! lol. Cashiers don't do crap while I have to help customers put items on the belt, get their Costco Card, transfer EVERYTHING from one basket to another basket--including heavy water & soda cases, pack items, and run to get the stuff people couldn't find or put things back that people don't want anymore. The worst part though, without a doubt, is TRANSFERRING! We HAVE to transfer... which I totally understand because missing an item to scan can be easy with all the stuff people buy there, but damnnn! Can you say intense body workout? haha. I seriouly started sweating 10 minutes into my shift.

On the serious side though, I'm so thankful I finally found a job. I've been praying and searching for months now and now I'm working. The only problem is... working on Sunday. Initially I wrote that I wasn't available on Sundays, but on my first interview they said Sundays have to be open... so I told them I could be available Sunday late afternoons (hoping they wouldn't schedule me Sundays if I got the job). Unfortunately they keep scheduling me on Sundays. I never really took the "keeping the Sabbath" commandment as serious as I should have, but being that my mom is Seventh Day Adventist (a denomination that believes Sabbath is Saturday) I've had a lot of thought on the topic... especially lately since I'm open to work on Sundays. This is what's been going on in my head and life on this topic.....

God gave us 10 commandements-- Deuteronomy 6:7-21
1. No nother god's before me
2. Don't make idols
3. Don't misuse the Lords name
4. Observe the Sabbath
5. Honor your parents
6. Don't murder
7. Don't commit adultery
8. Don't steal
9. Don't give false testimony against neighbors
10. Don't covet

Among the 10, the Bible explains Observe the Sabbath in the most detail. It's very specific. No one should work on Sunday. Not you, and not even your donkey! The first three commandments have to do with God, and the 4th is the first commandment that has to do with what WE do. The 4th is keeping the Sabbath. This commandment comes before murdering, stealing, commiting adultery... keeping the Sabbath, I think, has been a very overlooked commandment among Christians.

Then the Bible says "So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you, do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess" -Deuteronomy 6:32-33

After my first interview with Costco, I hoped that I wouldn't be scheduled on Sundays, but I didn't really take it seriously. After my second and third interview, whenever I read the Bible I kept coming across versus about keeping the Sabbath -.-;; (the one above and Hebrews 4:9-11) which made me become more serious about the commandment. But... I was still a little ehhh about it. Mostly because I was unsure. I started praying though. Then I saw that verse right above, Deuteronomy 6:32-33, and that's when I really realized I needed to follow God's word and not "turn aside to the right or to the left" or let my insecurity come before following God's words. Following God's words when we're not sure of the outcome is faith, and living a life of faith is righteousness. Loving God is trusting that He'll take care of us as long as we follow His words because Just as God is Love, Jesus Christ is the Word of God, and John 1:1 tells us this, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning." He was with God, He being Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the Word.

After I got the job, went to orientation and received my schedule for the first 2 week, I saw that I was on for both Sundays. wow. That same day another new employee in my group was asked to move to pharmacy by our manager. I was surprised because it was really out of no where that she was chosen, and I thought the only positions open were front end (what I'm doing) and food department. Truthfully, I got a little mad/jealous cause the manager made it sound like I didn't want to take the pharmacy position and that's why she gave it to the other person when I didn't even know about it. But after orientation I was walking out with the lady who got the pharmacy position and she was talking about how she might not take the position because the pharmacy's not open on Sundays--and we get paid 150% (pay and a half) on Sundays. WOW. So I told the lady if she didn't want the position, I'd be happy to switch with her. Unfortunately... she didn't give me a straight answer (this was only 2 days ago, on Wednesday) and I don't know what's going on cause I haven't seen her yet... but I have a good feeling. God works, right?

I guess from all of this, even though the situation isn't settled yet, I've come to trust the Word a lot more. I think one reason why Christians are always on highs and lows in their Christian lives is cause we depend too much on our emotions. "I don't feel close to God" and etc. We need to depend more on reading the Bible because those Words are Jesus Christ. The Word is God. I've found that depending less on my emotions and looking toward the Word has really strengthened my faith. If we don't feel close to God, then talk to God by praying and listen to what He has to say by reading the Bible.

"Teach me to wait in the moments of my need,
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace"

Werrrd

Yes, I have now realized you can't go by your emotions. I realized that's the main reason for up and down faith. Why didn't anyone tell me sooner? Here I thought God led me through how I felt on certain issues and situations, when really the devil searches for those who depend on how they feel. He knows how to take advantage of our emotional states because he's known us just as long as we've known ourselves. He knows us better than we know ourselves, in fact. While we sit here denying our weaknesses and faults and refuse to fix ourselves to become better people, the devil shakes us by using those weaknesses to slowly but surely get into our heads, and hearts, and slowly but surely lead us away from righteousness... away from God.

The word of God is life. Live.

Paul said it right

Time is flying by, and I am achieving... nothing. But do I need to achieve anything anyway? I thought I had an idea of how ugly man is but this past week my eyes were opened twice as wide. Now, I'm disappointed even more and have come to the point where I've lost all hope. I've come to a point where I just want to turn back the hands of time--a feeling which I've never experienced before. Nostalgia. I learned that word freshman year of high school in English class. Nostalgia. I miss having someone to look up to and adore. I miss my best friend. I realize I was not a good friend because I didn't do my part and now I regret and want to go back. I think this way because I feel like that's the reason why we're not good friends anymore. People have always asked "what do you regret most?" and I've never had an answer because I didn't regret anything. Now I regret as I think back. But.... what can I do now, right? Paul said to look forward, and I will. He said don't be anxious, and I won't. But anyway... I really don't know. When you're in this many levels of confusion it's better to just stop thinking altogether... cause I just mixed three different issues without realizing. But then again they all tie down to one thing.

How I wish...

I were perfect
To walk in the light every day of my life
So that this life could go by smoother,
faster
I don't understand and not understanding makes me....
angry
frustrated
angry and frustrated to the point where...
I don't want it anymore.
Everything is a burden
everything is heavy
The people I want to know I am not surrounded by
The things I want to do I cannot achieve
Why do you make it so hard?

Help me.
S.O.S.

Thanks

Funny how You work. You never cease to amaze me. I pray for strength... and you send it in the form of my good friend.... actually, TWO good friends in TWO different situations. God, I don't know how you work but thank You.

The Plan

I watched Definitely, Maybe the other day. It was such a good movie... I really liked it. I recommend you guys stop by your nearest Safeway and find those $1 red rental stations and rent this movie! haha. Those little stations are great because Blockbuster charges $5 for the same movies! But anyway, the movie was really cute.... it's about this guy who tells the stories of his 3 ex-gf's to his daughter because she's curious about how he met her mom (who he's in the middle of a divorce with). One part of the movie that kind of made me think was when the guy's first girlfriend was explaining why she broke up with him. She told him she was afraid of "The Plan" ... which was a plan he made where they would get married, do this, do that, yadda yadda. She told him she was afraid of that plan and everything he aspired to do. And when I heard that I couldn't help but think about.... myself (being the egotistical person I am :P ). But since transfer update forms have been due, I've been worrying lately a lot about "The Plan" God has for me. While I watched that part, I thought... ok, if the girl really loved the guy, she'd trust him and wouldn't be afraid of "The Plan". And then I though... ok, why aren't I doing something similar? ...just not toward my bf. haha.

In my special world where I have 100% faith, I would simply pray that God would lead me and ... "go with the flow". But in my real world where I am altered by my own (selfish) desires and worries and anxiousness, and LACK of faith, I can't help but to ... WORRY. I really really want to go to Berkeley. But at the same time I don't really like the city itself. I means, I don't want to go to UCB because of the name or the rank. I want to go because I don't want to leave my home. I want to be able to go home any weekend I choose to see my mom and dad, and I want to keep going to my home church and keep serving there. I want to stay with my family. Yeah, I know if I go south I'll meet new people and blah blah... but I feel like I just started here, and I want to do more, HERE. If UCSD were in Berkeley, I'd be very, very happy. Or if UCB had a transfer agreement, I'd be very, very happy :(

I guess I'm torn between laying down my own plans and faithfully following "THE PLAN". haha. and.... hoping God will see the desires of my heart and alter "THE PLAN". I know in the end somehow all of that will come together like He's made it come together in the past... but here I am worrying and praying like a fool with no faith. I can't help it.

I want a slurpee.....

Today

Today is the day. It's one of those days... one of those days where you do stuff. You get all the little things done: go to the post office, buy stamps, pay your overdue parking ticket (in this case CONTEST!!!! those mother f-ers), return stuff at Target and Bestbuy... those are just a few on my list. It's just too bad because I rarely have these days where there's this urge to get everything done. And now that it's here... today... I have to stay home from 1-4 to wait for the Salvation Army to come! Great~~~ Donating our old TV to the Salvation Army was another thing on the list.. didn't know it was going to take up my whole afternoon.

Well... I guess today is the day... to play with my webcam and take stupid pictures of myself. To fill in the time by "studying" (AKA opening my o.chem book and playing blockles online). It's just too bad... today was one of those rare, rare, very rare days. Hopefully I'll still want to get everything done after the Salvation Army guys come.

Missing Out

I'm missing out on something... I can feel it deep within. I feel this chill every once in a while; it resonate through my bones. It's not a good feeling. It's a feeling of desperation. It alters my thought process; it takes rationality out of question. It allows slipping, it allows falseness, it allows pain, and in the end breakup.

It's caused by the things I lack. It's caused by my lack of confidence, and the things that cause my lack of confidence. It's caused by the way I choose to live. It's caused by my ugliness--physical and emotional... mental... every level of ugliness that could possibly exist.

It's sad. It makes me sad. It makes me want......